Depressed...... Depressed...... Depressed..........

What more than I could do but to sleep?

There is enough things in my room to help me.......

Should I never wake up, treat this as my last word to the world.

I enjoyed Scouting, Canoeing, Dragon Boating, Art, RTS, cooking, hiking, trekking, jungle survival, alchohol(in small amount), Astronomy, Diving, looking at military equipment, a little buisness, out door stuff, Shakespear, literature, sciences, maths, Drama, music, and such......

But to do so much i have lost focus in my own way. It created multiple personality in myself. I dont know how to cope with it, and I dont know who is myself, or rather which. I always Imagined how I will have many children, lead a stable life, have a pretty wife to look after me. And also a stable career of a military figurehead, combatant.

I am contradicting myself every now and then. Confused, angry, sad, happy, hateful all in one state of mind, or poly state of mind, I dont know.....I feel pain, all over myself every time I wake up. I no longer felt that life have any meaning, or no kick at all. Studying did not give me the kick and the adrenaline rush that I use to have. Now did anything else. I think I fail myself as a human being, or I am just tired.

I dont know.

I seriously dont know.

I fucking dont know anything.

Pressure? No, Depression, definitely, but from what?

What is the thing that depressed me the most?

Lack of love?

Embrace?

What course of action should I take?

Why do I allow such a negative thought to have within me?

Life is a battle, Death is a release, so to say.

Is it our goal toward the release? So why are we battling so hard to just have a release that yourself can act upon in the beginning?

I think everyone knows my email and password. Should I fall from this crucial period, should no one knows about myself, unlock the blog and let everyone knows about the funeral that is about to come. My password will definitely be my name, so to speak.

Oh ya, I need to present to Ai Wen that I like her. Truely, please hang on to the stuff that I gave you for memory. At least one person besides my family can remember me this way....

I am a weakling with no rights to live at all, I am that coward who fled to every challenge, difficulty that is faced by everyone in life. They can take it, I can not. Where tis in the mind to suffer, or to sleep once and for all.

The silver spoon I am born it,I took it for granted. Indulging myself in pleasure that can be compared to a slaanish worshipper. Death is a completion in Tarot Reading. The fool's journey has ended and death rained on him, render him useless.

Life is like a dragon boat race. You start your life hard, fast and tiring, then your maintain your life, in the end, you either break, or charged through your life. Even if you succeed, you will still end up resting.

Resistance for life is futile i guess. For darkness ends te' oppostion. there is no path to salvation, no hope for all. If it werent those imginary friends, humanity will be lost forever.

MAy the gods have mercy on me, for I wont for myself.

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me
alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame.
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sane.

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

But I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat choke
Torn into pieces
I won't, no!
I don't wanna be this...

But I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real
I can't make her real
She isn't real
I can't make her real

Am I going to die.... Die of Panicking, or leukymia?

I always thinks that I have three months left to live, but why?

I just lost every will to live.....

Ndp......no pic.... cos i was marching. Luckily Chong Yong was there. Expect pics to be uploaded soon.....

Panic Attack again.....

Sianz.... ruined my day.....

Must learn how to not panic......

I think i nearly died of lack of oxygen supply to the brain. death is like so close yet it is so comforting.

too harsh to myself i think.....

I am mad, am i not?

Madness in great ones should not go un-watch.

Oh great Omnisiah!

Bless us with the strength and courage! and give us wisdom to attend to thy machine spirits. Make the plasma conduit works and all channels be cleared of filth.

And by return, we will care for each other and bring you to your absolute glory, lest the machine spirit malfunction and be well attend.

By the god-machine,we pray thee,

Amen

To be or not to be, am i?

Why is there always a question, for us meager human to answer.

What must we strain ourselves so much to live and to die in the end?

Governed by faith, we suffers from it, or must we sit there to do nothing? fight it?

And by fighting, struggling in our live we ends them, and to die with it.

Is death the end?

The hurt of others and many more when we die, it that another completion?

Why are we living so long and suffer so much more.

And in our lives we see so much injustice happening and justice always comes too late.

How can we change anything about our fortune, or rather misfortune.

And when we fight, it is like using a small dagger to kill a great bear of old. There is little chance that we can triumph against life itself.

And what we can do is only grumble and swear, cursing this unwanted life.

And when we need to break out of this bondage, we die.

When we die, there is always a catch.

Death is a journey when we see no one coming back alive.

who knows what wait for us after our deaths.

The fear of the unknown catches our conscience.

For being aware we became cowards, trying to out run our faith.

Out thoughts betray us, making us weak.

Even our determined course can be of a sicklied cripple of that of a pauper.

> From: seanjklee@hotmail.com
> To: aceraider_x@hotmail.com; choy_boy90@yahoo.com.sg; louis@vtsuki.net; clement.lim.kw@gmail.com; joel_loi1@hotmail.com; joaxin21@hotmail.com; jedtanwj@hotmail.com; dreaminhours@gmail.com; silent_killa89@hotmail.com
> Subject: PSA Candidate RODNEY
> Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2007 16:46:09 +0800
>
> *******************************************************************************
> PSA Candidate Rodney has passed all the requirements for his PSA and his
> about to sit for his interview.
>
> Interviewer : When is your birth date?
> Rodney : 13 October
> Interviewer : Which year?
> Rodney : Every Year.
>
> Interviewer : Can you spell a word that has more than 10 letters in it?
> Rodney : P-O-S-T-B-O-X
>
> Interviewer : Just imagine that you're in the 20th floor of a building and
> it's on fire. How will you escape?
> Rodney : It's simple. I will stop my imagination.
>
> *******************************************************************************
> PSA Candidate Rodney is chosen to represent Singapore in a jamboree.
>
> A Jamboree Participant : Are there any great men born from your country?
> Rodney : No, only babies are born there.
>
> Rodney goes to the toilet. To wash his hands, he went to the wash basin.
> When he finished, he started washing the wash basin. A Jamboree participant
> asked him what on earth he was doing. Rodney merely pointed to the signboard
> "WASH BASIN"
>
> Rodney returns from the Jamboree and has a conversation with his friend.
> Rodney : Do I look like a foreigner?
> Friend : No. Why?
> Rodney : Cos during the jamboree, someone asked me,"Are you a foreigner?"
>
> *******************************************************************************
> PSA Candidate Rodney is not only good in scouting but also academically.
> Here is an example of a well-rounded PSA Candidate.
>
> Rodney was performing an experiment with a cockroach. First, he cut off the
> cockroach's leg and told it to "WALK WALK". The cockroach walked. Then he
> cut off the second leg and told it again. The cockroach walked. He went on
> to cut off the thrid leg and told him the same thing and the cockroach
> walked. Finally, he cut off the 4th leg and ordered the cockroach to walk.
> However, the cockroach did not walk. Suddenly, Rodney shouted,"I FOUND IT!
> If we cut off a cockroach's four legs, it becomes DEAF!"
>
> *******************************************************************************
> PSA Candidate Rodney during his PSA Presentation Ceremony.
>
> Rodney was arrested during his PSA Presentation Ceremony. Why?!?!?!?!?!?!
> Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on the
> right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did just that!

My Birthday is today and i have yet to talk to anyone except through MSN. Went to Orchard today, and allowing myself a little luxury.5 th of August, how i wish I can have this day a longer. The only celebration is perhaps a little gathering on Saturday's night with a few friends.

Losing it.

Am I losing it?

Do i even think when doing things? Or i am just following my instinct?

If so, am I still human? Or is it i am a wild animal?

So what am I ?

Losing it again and again.

I think it is better to take a break.