Friday, August 10, 2007

Depressed...... Depressed...... Depressed..........

What more than I could do but to sleep?

There is enough things in my room to help me.......

Should I never wake up, treat this as my last word to the world.

I enjoyed Scouting, Canoeing, Dragon Boating, Art, RTS, cooking, hiking, trekking, jungle survival, alchohol(in small amount), Astronomy, Diving, looking at military equipment, a little buisness, out door stuff, Shakespear, literature, sciences, maths, Drama, music, and such......

But to do so much i have lost focus in my own way. It created multiple personality in myself. I dont know how to cope with it, and I dont know who is myself, or rather which. I always Imagined how I will have many children, lead a stable life, have a pretty wife to look after me. And also a stable career of a military figurehead, combatant.

I am contradicting myself every now and then. Confused, angry, sad, happy, hateful all in one state of mind, or poly state of mind, I dont know.....I feel pain, all over myself every time I wake up. I no longer felt that life have any meaning, or no kick at all. Studying did not give me the kick and the adrenaline rush that I use to have. Now did anything else. I think I fail myself as a human being, or I am just tired.

I dont know.

I seriously dont know.

I fucking dont know anything.

Pressure? No, Depression, definitely, but from what?

What is the thing that depressed me the most?

Lack of love?

Embrace?

What course of action should I take?

Why do I allow such a negative thought to have within me?

Life is a battle, Death is a release, so to say.

Is it our goal toward the release? So why are we battling so hard to just have a release that yourself can act upon in the beginning?

I think everyone knows my email and password. Should I fall from this crucial period, should no one knows about myself, unlock the blog and let everyone knows about the funeral that is about to come. My password will definitely be my name, so to speak.

Oh ya, I need to present to Ai Wen that I like her. Truely, please hang on to the stuff that I gave you for memory. At least one person besides my family can remember me this way....

I am a weakling with no rights to live at all, I am that coward who fled to every challenge, difficulty that is faced by everyone in life. They can take it, I can not. Where tis in the mind to suffer, or to sleep once and for all.

The silver spoon I am born it,I took it for granted. Indulging myself in pleasure that can be compared to a slaanish worshipper. Death is a completion in Tarot Reading. The fool's journey has ended and death rained on him, render him useless.

Life is like a dragon boat race. You start your life hard, fast and tiring, then your maintain your life, in the end, you either break, or charged through your life. Even if you succeed, you will still end up resting.

Resistance for life is futile i guess. For darkness ends te' oppostion. there is no path to salvation, no hope for all. If it werent those imginary friends, humanity will be lost forever.

MAy the gods have mercy on me, for I wont for myself.

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