Sunday, January 07, 2007

The fight that end everything

Although i do not consider myself a fighter, in my life, i always has been fighting, dirty fighting. It is those kind of fight that turns me on, mentally, challenging systems, pushing other people down in order to achieve my own agenda, fighting on every little thing, thus, everyone became my enemy.

Back then in Malaysia, I was a slacker, I did nothing to achieve anything that i wanted, except all those things that can be earned without thoughts, even one of the Scout test i merely depended on my seniors to do everything for me while i just standing there in my little corner doing my thing.

Things changes, I was granted a merit scholarship, my father then uses his 5 million ringgit worth of deposit to send me to Singapore, until now, I felt sorry for what little things that made him dissapointed, I did nothing to make him proud of, except a little position here and there which can be consider an achievement in my family. But to the outsiders, it was nothing.

In sec 1, I am totally not use to living alone, having people around that is different and somewhat strange, I withdrew myself from the crowds, trying to blend in every little people i encountered. No commitments were made and I fallen into despair. Then, I fought out of the sake of fighting, trying to do what my intellect wouldn't allow me to. Things then became clearer, there is nothing I cannot fought to get.

In sec 2, I tried my best to do well in nearly everything i do, and anything. I was not the passive person I was a year back, but still friendless in a sense that I will often sit in a corner and cry, I become tied to anything that is entertaining and enjoyable to the average person. I will be the first to play just about anything that came out in the internet cafe. In the mean time, I still fight for the position I want to get, even trying to pretend that I know a lot better than the others. Thus, I was shocked to see people trying to catch up with me, although i always made sure that they are demoralised before anything happens.

It is in the end of sec 2 that I knew something, my ability of doing stuff cannot be efficient if i tried to do everything at one go. In the beginning of Sec 3, I faint at the slightest provockation, I was helpless and hopeless at the period of the time, It is that i failed most of my subjects and is still recovering now. I don't know whether to do anything about it or just leave it alone. I felt confused but still fighting there without a cause. In june, the most terrible thing happen to me in a few day of time, firstly, the CCA hike. It is evident that I was just hiking without a soul, with a convinient excuse that I want to change someone. It is all excuses i made for myself. I curtain that i made for me to hide. I want to be that symbol.

Then, my great grandmother pass away, I felt lost. I have nothing to move on, although she is not that familiar with me anymore, she might still remember me as I always hope that she will one day wake up or something....This couple with the inability to go home, I went into depression. Then, I know that i have no position in what i wanted to get, I lost all hope. Ending my fighting life. Till now, I have no soul, trying to cover everthing with excuses, trying to excuse my way out. I lost the fighting spirit i wanted to have in Sec 2, but i just lost it.

I hope that sec 4 could turn out much more better than anything else so to say....This is the few last post I had before my LDP. I think that i will be a shambling zombie by then, what else to lead for?


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