Sunday, February 17, 2008

Why am i not believing

Went to church today. Somehow I felt that I am not suitable to be there, not suitable for their religion, not suitable for their thoughts. I felt that everything is somehow planned, in a I know what they are going to say next time thing. Everything felt so controlled and such, very restricting and the mention of blood kept me uncomfortable, keep reaching to my knife. In the end, I felt very tired. The tiredness is not just in term of physical but mental. Praying bites a huge chunk of my reserve energies, It is very taxing if I choose to go every week.

Actually the reasons of me not being a Christian is that I will be in more trouble than I have now. To stay out of trouble is this years’ goal.

No one understand why a person such as me will avoid religion as much a s possible. Yes, I looked like a religious dude, but rather, I am just good at blending in. And of course the certain religious or pseudo scientific things I have participate in makes me have those religious touch, tarots, daemon summoning and such. I think I can make a good priest though.

I just don’t want to limit my experience to serve a single idea, I am an artist, I want weird ideas no matter how outrageous it can be. I have the self-impose marker that I promise not to break even in great pressure and stuff. All religion are made by men, every religion is a new idea, I want to keep those ideas free. I want a buffet, not a ten course gourmet dinner, which I will never be full, wasting effort and money. I want freedom, not limiting myself in a particular circle that I will only chase around to make anything. I want myself out in the open, in the wilderness searching for what I want, not in a cave worshipping an idol. Yes, in my opinion, Christianity is like the religions it despises, all worshipping an idol, just that the form is different.

Another is that the political standpoint that I have. Concerning the senseless massacres in the Middle East nowadays. It is until today that I know what am I lacking in my ISO; I did not study the mental attitude of the ones supporting the killers. It is a pain to remember the experience that my friends in Palestine is going through. My friend said that her best weapon to deter the Israelis is her piece of rock and her faith that she will return home from the gaza strip one day. Such were the anguish of a people with no homes. Driven away, they are hunted, and then slaughtered, like animals. Jesus said if a person slapped you on one cheek, you should turn the other cheek to the person. And thus his disciples slapped the left cheek of the Palestinians.

They are not terrorist that we have known of, they are a people who wants back their homeland just to live back their nomadic, peaceful life. Some were robbed of their families, some even more, having to face the fact that each one of their family members is killed, shot in the head in front of him. Worst still, his eyes were gouged out by the Christian militias. It is a pain, to see people are ignorant, can you expect one to trust in the lord after such atrocities have been committed? As a sane person, no.

Yes, I was depressed, but I have known that there are more people who needed help more than I did , the sec 1 boy down the road who has a screwed up version of love, my friends in Palestine, my suffering is nothing, just something I have to go through. I personally do not want a religion now. I am only exposed to Christianity. Jumping to the conclusion immediately has cost me tons of efforts and I do not want to achieve the same mistake now.

I will wait until the time is right. Personally, even if I know that someone loves me, I will continue in life, I cant have Jesus taking my exams, cant I?

Personally, I don’t feel happy attending churches, I see suffering. There is a whisper that is telling me to go, help the world. Not to stand here to waste anymore time. Maybe god has gave me a sign. I have a god, but there is no Jesus. My religion does not have a name, but, I do not want to be a heretic upon myself.

I lived with my code, it is that day I lost it. This is how drifting away from god means in term in Christianity’s context.

If a person killed hundreds and he repent, getting saved is just an excuse of his wrong doings.

No excuses, I did not excuse myself, one have to bear what he has done upon himself. No one will forgive, no one will forget, live with it. Now, we interact with people, not gods, people will remember even if ten thousand gods forgive you.


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