Saturday, September 20, 2008


There must be a problem to it. Maybe it is because of the "combat fatigue" I have acquired since the ASPIRE camp, I do not feel like doing anything anymore. The lack of purpose other than push myself through another hole, still, I have to live on, for reason that i do not comprehend. I need the something in my life but do not know what is it. I sought to be loved, maybe, no, I want a big sister who will pamper me... A sort of perverted fantasy. I guess. This ramble will continue in my mind less of there is a miracle to stop it. The incoherency can go on and on but I know it is up to me not to fall deeper. Why am i always the big brother over watching everything, i guess i am tired already for i have been a leader for far too long, it is time for me to rest and follow what others initiated, i guess it would be better this way. I am too domineering in some aspect and not up to par in others. I lost my balance, and i do not know what should i do next. There is no conclusion one can have in life, save for the fact that people do die. Babbling on and on, I lost the sense of coherency. I think no one can understand how I feel as tis wall of text produces nothing but angst, nothing but bad grammar as well as endless rhetorics, nothing but a person's inept inner self. I am so worthless, I wish not to live in an imaginary world with imaginary friends. I see reality as it is and i do not have the means to cope with it as I have been in both side of the line. Is it the punishment to those who have to live with reality? On the outside, I make people feel that i do not have a sense of reality but deep inside, I know what is happening, I am the outsider, out-caste, Pariah and everything that fits the description but it is hard for a person like me to excel, as i see no point in pushing myself to greater heights. Is it a sin to be normal? What is the point of having so much? Do we not have enough to eat and to live in? We keep reserves for ourselves, so why must there be so much extra? Why must we live in such desperate gamble of live where only one or two can get through? What is the point when there is none. I think it is straining the eyes of whoever read this but the style of my writing is just so, incoherent and inconsistent. I am conscious of what i wrote and i stand by the idea of it being nothing more than junk. I wish that i could end it all.


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